The first thing that comes to my mind is, “It has been a long time”. Rarely does God work in my timing, and the past few months have been evidence of this. I have seen witty and funny and other blog worthy things over the past few weeks, but as God has been tilling the soil of my heart, my fingers just would not type the words. Each day I have looked at my To Do list and seen “Blog”, but it would not come. So here is my attempt, because the time may just be right.
In my last blog I mentioned a book called Absolute Surrender. In the past few weeks, that is what God has asked me to do, and I have worked hard to fight Him on it. I figured that moving away from home, living in a difficult place, and getting married* was a very good attempt at absolute surrender, but God wanted more. I believe that He wants it for my good, but my good and my comfort are very different things.
Last week was Semana Santa (Holy Week). This is a mix between Spring Break in Florida and remembering the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. We would see trucks carrying people sun-kissed from the beach and then processions of people carrying Christ crucified through the streets. While in many ways I wanted to identify with the beach goers, it was more with the suffering that I related. I do not compare my suffering with Christ, but let me explain.
You know the song “Amazing Grace”, right? “ …who saves a wretch like me.” Honestly when I sing that song, I do not see myself as a wretch! I have been a good church-going woman, I have made something of myself as a teacher and administrator in a Christian school, I have made money and have been wise about spending, I have been able to physically move and go as I please, I have made good decisions and have acquired some great people in my life, I have communicated well (in English), I have been responsible with what God has given me, I have served him in other countries, and I have maintained a good relationship with my Lord and Savior.
So in the past few months, God has striped me of the “I haves” and it has been very painful! Honestly, I have wanted to get away from this lesson. I have asked God to change things. I have tried to solve the issues myself. I find myself in a place where I cannot be defined by what I do. I find myself in a place where I don’t have money to spend on groceries. I find myself physically unable to come and go as I want to due to leg pain and no vehicle. I find myself so wanting friends who know me well. I find myself explaining to people that I used to be communicator. I find myself not feeling like I have much to contribute to anything. I can tell you thought that I still have enough pride to not want to bend to God’s teaching. That is where the “wretch” comes in the picture.
I think I am seeing some of the bigger picture. I have been capable, and God is bringing me to the end of capable so I can truly depend on Him. I am not there yet, and I could really use your prayers in this. I am much more comfortable with the “I haves” than the “I find myself in”, but at night when I wake up with fears and I say “Jesus, Jesus” over and over and He comforts me so I can go back to sleep, I believe I am on the right path. He is breaking down walls of self-sufficiency.
Love, Natalie
• Marriage is listed here only because of the need to surrender oneself to another, not because it is a big challenge.
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