Month: December 2015

“I need a silent night, a holy night, to hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise”.*

As I pulled away from Starbuck this morning after coffee with a friend, this song came on the radio, and it made me cry.

Not a sad cry, but a “I met with God ” cry; a time of feeling that through no work of my own that God had once again dropped blessings in my life. I had “hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise”

The friend I met with has been walking the road of cancer for the past few years. Some things have worked and some things have not, and her future continues to hang in God’s balance. Her road has been very different than my road, and we both agree that we are not sure that we would want to be in each other’s’ shoes. What we do connect over though is the power and clarity that comes when we have walked through challenging and uncertain times, and we realize that God is walking right beside us.

As our time was wrapping up a mutual friend came in. A year ago she lost her husband suddenly to a heart- attack. Although sadness is still very real to her, she thanks God for the people in her life and is trusting God to lead her next steps.

There was another woman there who is the mother of a former student of mine. She shared the joy it has been to see the change in her son as he has experienced life in other countries, and his recent adoption of a baby boy.

I came away with a feeling of being blessed, that God had let me into the lives of these precious women. Not the cleanly swept lives, but the real up and down lives of people following God.

On my way home, I needed to stop by the grocery store. The feeling there was hurry. I practically ran into an acquaintance and the first thing she asked, was “Are you ready for Christmas?”. I fumbled a bit feeling a little unsure of how to answer.

As I made my purchases, the checker also asked if I was ready for Christmas. I found myself somewhat annoyed and unable to answer the question again. I gave a quick “yes”, knowing that the question was an attempt to make conversation with those going through the line.

As I thought more about it, I realized what was making this challenging for me. I knew that the answer people were looking for to the question, had to do with gifts purchased, food made, and a clear “to do” list. I could mostly answer yes, but I did not feel like it really answered the question.

I felt like the real being ready for me has more to do with the feeling I had after spending time with my friends at the coffee shop, blessed and aware of God’s presence. I feel like I am more ready to receive his gift of salvation when I see his work in other people’s lives than when I have my list completed. God continues to change me.

*I Need A Silent Night, Amy Grant 2015 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRSSsNbF29I

I am pretty timid when it comes to putting my foot down about things. I tend to want to hear where others are coming from before I make a declaration. Some people say diplomatic, others would say playing it safe, others might say people pleaser. I think that at different times all of those are true.

So right now I am putting myself out there, and I guess my biggest fear is that I would be shut down and put in a box as an out of touch missionary.

My last post was a few days into our trip here in the US and I shared my fear of becoming desensitized to the world that God has let me be a part of in Nicaragua. To be honest, I have more things that I like about America than Nicaragua, but I think I have become a better Christ-follower because of my time there.

For the past two Sundays we have attended two different Bible believing churches, both of them with strong Christ-followers in them, and in both of them we sang songs about wanting more of Christ, more of heaven, and more changed lives. But honestly when I left both I could not help but feel that people were not completely satisfied with the experience.

I do not believe that it is for lack of desire that being a Christian in America is a bit flat. It is not necessarily the church, who is upfront with the music or speaking, nor the structure of the program, but what it is, goes so counter-culture to us that we don’t really see it.

I feel like I only have received a glimmer of it because of the last two years of my life; years that at different times I would have chosen to step out of.

What comes to my head is that if my goal in life is to make sure my comforts are taken care of, then I am really missing out on what God has for me. I am misdirected and I will always be dissatisfied with my walk with God.

I have found in this past year that there is something powerful about not being able to put things together for myself and seeing God work in the midst of that neediness for the sake of others. It has been a time of wrestling with God and having Him come up the victor, and me accepting that my life of privilege has kept me at the center.

I know this is true when I have the opportunity to share what I am thankful for, and what gushes out is an immense thankfulness for things that are not comfortable and how God uses it for good- that is not a natural human response!

In many ways I think that you who live in a land of plenty have it more difficult. The “needs” are everywhere. It doesn’t take me more than 2 minutes in Target to see all the things I am missing out on and “need” to make my life better.

It is a constant battle to see what the real needs are; it might not involve a new coat or a trip to a sporting event, but it might involve something more expensive-my life. That is not easy, but in my bit of experience the return is amazing!