We will return to Nicaragua in less than a month- this comes with a small stab of anxiety- “I am not ready yet or will I ever be ready?” My ponderings this morning put some clarity to this issue for me.
My life in America is big- options in stores, the opportunity to drive where I want, see who I want, explore places and feel safe in the culture; a culture that is second nature to me. I feel confident in the language, I can see and feel what I want to buy in the stores, and I can find and buy my choice of items in the color, size, shape and price I want.
We meet with people who are interested in getting together with us, and they are encouraging of the work that we are doing. We get to share our story, which reminds us of the big picture of our lives. The time here is personally filling.
In the midst of this though, my heart feels small. Here in the US, I am encouraged to find a ministry that works for me. A church that works for me, and I can choose my involvement in church and other activities.
In Nicaragua, my life feels small-my desire to get out is limited by availability of transportation, another person to go with me, lack of variety of available places to go, and some fear of the unknown in a country with unfamiliar places and cultural expectations. Language slows and sometimes stops conversation, and my day often consists of a similar schedule-wake up, have breakfast, walk the 4 blocks to work, return at the end of the day back 4 blocks, cook dinner and go to bed. We live in a tree-filled and house filled community which offers little in the area of vistas. I can feel closed in and stuck at times.
But, in Nicaragua, my heart is made to be big. Even when I don’t feel like helping, people will come by for food, medicine or just a conversation. The culture is more of an instant culture- we have a need right now, how are we going to fill it? This is not usually done with grumbling, but more of an acceptance that there is a need and there is something I can do to help. I work with people who exemplify this every day- I get a tutorial in sacrificial giving.
So, my torn feeling in this time of our trip is this- I am much more comfortable in the American world, with all of the amazing benefits, experiences, encouraging people who want to make a difference in their world, but I am more fulfilled by having to do those things that make a difference in one person’s life.