Facing Fears
In theory this is a good thing. I think most of us feel pretty good when we find ourselves having overcome a fear, but the process is not something enjoyed. Living in Nicaragua has put several fears right in my face. I would like to say that I have embraced these changes with joy, but it would be a lie.
Spiders
I have never thought anything but “It must die” when it comes to spiders. In the past few weeks between Stephen and I we have killed at least a dozen half- dollar sized spiders. Each time my heart stops a bit, but with a shoe I can usually take care of the issue.
Claustrophobia
This makes no sense to those who do not deal with claustrophobia, but for those who do, you can understand the overwhelming fear that comes up when you find yourself in closed in space. For me, the greatest difficulty comes in the busses here. The busses here are packed with people, bikes, food to be sold in the market, you name it. This is a fear that I have to call on God for. I usually arm myself with headphones, good music or a sermon to listen to as a distractor. I still find myself with an urgent prayer, “God keep me calm”, often throughout the trips. Each time this prayer has been answered.
Misrepresentation/Taken Advantage Of
To be viewed as something I am not. As a gringo, we are often looked at as wealthy; consequently we are often charged more and appealed to for money. The street vendors see us as targets for their wares. When I am in a good mood, I can shrug this off, but when the world seems to be caving in, I cave into annoyance and frustration. Maybe this is not a fear, but rather something that comes with being in a developing country. Technically I am rich. Rich enough to know that if I needed to I could get out of the country. This is not the case for most people here. Just having an American passport gives me that freedom to come and go. I am rich- in love, friends, and a Savior who cares about the details of my life.
Being Ineffective
At the heart of me, I want to serve God; to be used by Him to glorify Him. I fear being complacent, being busy, but not really influencing other people; although honestly speaking, most of the time I want the easy way out. While we have been inundated with areas that we can give and serve, we have meet many challenges; our own personal physical shortcomings and difficulties, people who misrepresent themselves, greed, etc… The challenge has been to keep a soft, teachable heart that can be effective in the midst of it all. I am not doing so well with this right now, but I know that in order to overcome this fear and my other fears, I have to be close to God- depend on Him daily, minutely, surrendering to His will. Wow, I have much to learn!