The Sadness of An Almost Surrendered Life
It all feels personal- the broken car, the disagreement with Stephen, the small study group, the lack of work for me to do at the school, sickness, a lack of something I am good at, the lack of a good friend. It lays on me, allowing tears to stream down my face at a moments’ notice.
God is our strength our shield, that sounds a lot like battle, and quite honestly, I want the god of the spa, the god of plenty of money, the god of the car in complete working order. But I have no more power over the god of the spa than I have over the God who is my strength and shield, and quite honestly I wish I did.
In my thinking, I wish He would run things by me before they happen. “For the next few months you are going to have a car that works intermittently. Are you okay with that?” or “All your character is going to be challenged extensively over these next few years. Will that work for you?”
Then I could make a deal with Him, “How about only a week for the car situation and a day or two regarding the character issue?”
He doesn’t work that way. And while I would like to say that I can embrace the challenge, that I am okay not relying on the comfort of people and things, I am struggling with living for Him. I am overwhelmed with the place he has me.
What I do know is that he is the “God who sees”. He sees me in my struggles just as he has many other saints. I also know that He wants me to be more like Him, and as much as I am failing the test, each experience is an opportunity to do that. Finally, I know He is a God who cares for ME.
So, will you pray for me; that I would see the amazing generosity of people before I see our need. That I would be thankful for the one instead of the lack of the many. That I would rejoice in the opportunities of others than wishing it for myself. God has truly been good to me!
Natalie – Thank you for another honest post- and one that really resonates for me in this season. I too would like to have a say / an opportunity to negotiate, but that is not the way God works. I am so grateful that he sees us, knows us and he has us in the palm of his hand. This week, in my listening time, he brought to mind a bunker (as a place for me), built underground and very secure, but at the same time I asked him about the darkness of being underground and the fear of being trapped. That is not how he wants me to see it. It is not dark because of the light of his presence and I am not trapped because he knows the way out. And that is true for you too. He sees the way before you and he is there. Blessings to you, my friend.
Love you dear friend. I kinda was in your shoes when we moved to Newberg. My old support system was gone. I was really sick, gained weight and had a ton of gardening to do with our property but didn’t have a healthy body to do it. I had deep depression for my first time. I felt so lonely. Time heals all but the waiting is the hardest. Trusting God became my middle name. In time all things work out but in God’s order. Know you love God with all of your heart. Hold on tight to that. It will get better.
Hello my Friend Natalie, I am so sorry to hear about the whole things happening to you, and that would be great if we could avoid suffering. but it is not possible, poor people suffer because they lack o food and money and oportunities etc. Rich people suffer because they have to much and they lack of the most important. GOD in their hearts.
Remember my friend, you have the best friend that never will leave you alone. You have Jesus in your heart. Also remember my friend that when we were born we have nothing with us, no clothes, no cars, no money. So all what we get during our lifes, that is extra and we should be greatfull with the Lord to let us enjoy some of this facilities that, many many many others don´t have. we never should be attached to material goods. When Jesus was preaching he never carry goods with him and he asked his Apostols to leave everything, money, family and follow him.
Praying for you my friend.
Martin
Oh Natalie, my Friend. I have no words…just a heart full of appreciation, love, and ache for you. You write transparently about yourself, and in doing so, speak for many. Thank you.